Aggression..Hope....Yin....Yang....

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

....Everything is going to be OK.

Joy is a tonic; it is like a vitamin. It keeps us strong and moving forward. It helps us keep things in perspective. Because we know joy, we know that whatever bad times we go through are only temporary. There is balance.
-Lissa Coffey

Photos by: Google Images

Trueality.

LOVE and a Deck Of Choosing Cards...

I feel myself slipping. Slipping slowly back into a cycle that i've never truly fought off. When I left to the west coast, I never truly liberated myself from this cycle, but at least I had other, more productive things to think about. Was it all just a distraction, and now I'm facing it dead in the eye? 

Maybe so- but either way, I still don't feel I'm strong enough. I'm not sure I'm ready. I feel negativity slowly creeping over me. I feel my creativity suffocating. I feel my self- consciousness doubling, trippling, quadrupaling, which you would think would be difficult to do when you've been plagued with self- consciousness your whole life. 

Also, I'm getting lazy. My will and my determination are slowly subsiding. Slowly but oh- so- surely. I don't know what I'm doing again. I know where I want to be though- the East Bay. This truth has manifested itself over and over again.  

I am sad here, and I see that it hurts people. I do not want to hurt people, but I also don't want to pretend like being here is inspiring me, like being here is allowing me to live up to my fullest potential, because it's not. I'm feeling lonely, afraid, isolated, and run- down. I'm feeling lethargic, out of order, out of discipline, and out of reason. 

I hope I'm not depressing you all, because I'm actually fine. I know this sounds crazy, but, no matter what, I'm always fine. Especially now with Vipassana, I'm even more always fine. I just have no problem expressing myself, and this is how I feel in this moment. 5 moments from now is something different. 

I was talking to a friend today, and I mentioned how I missed the dhamma-ness of the West Coast. He asked what I meant by Dhamma, and I told him that by Dhamma I mean the Universal Law of Nature, and by Dhamma-ness, I mean those actively seeking peace and harmony in their lives, and in the lives of others. Those actively seeking and working on being of service and of love. 

I'd really like to get into yoga. I took my first couple of yoga classes at Power Yoga in LA and it was really fantastic, I took to it very well, but that was the end of that. I don't remember how to do anything anymore, but I miss it. I am in such a dis-connect with my body. My body, my body. Oh how much trouble my body causes me. I often do not allow myself to pursue what I truly want, and most of the time, it has to do with my relationship with my body. Maybe more on this another time.

The Nutritional Evaluations at the office have been going very well. I've seen lots of patients so far (well, lots compared to the not- so- many that I've seen before). They seem to really like me, and they are all very open with me, engaging with me and letting me into their personal business. In fact, I even have some clients coming back to see me and talk with me some more.I feel good about this, because I know that I am making a difference, a positive difference in someone's life. With my influence, others may be able to accomplish what they've always wanted.  All very exciting stuff. 

It's not that I don't want to be doing this, I do, it's great practice, but I just don't want to be doing it HERE. I want to leave. Why haven't I left then yet? Well, I need enough money before I get to SF to be able to support myself for a little while. I would also like to find a job first before I get there, that way i'll already be set up with some cash- flow. 

This weekend was pretty great. Well, great and not- great all at the same time (shocker...)

SAT- Was my first real day back into the big bad city. I think that in order to accurately describe how that went, I'll share some passages from my journal:

" March 14th 2009- SATURDAY- 10:07 pm

WOW- intense. I'm doing better than I thought I would be. It's really intense for me though- so many people, the aggression, the dis-association, the un-naturality of it all.

I went into Whole Foods -Union Square, and I remember I used to LOVE it there. 

Today when I went in, I felt sensations of like, a panic attack type thing. 

Anxiety, overwhelmingness. 

I obviously didn't have a panic attack because i've been meditating for too long to let such extreme negative emotion take over without any such awareness, but it was TOTALLY still there.

Besides for there being so many people and the aggression and dis-association from nature, 

What really got to me was how much I didn't like it.

I USED TO CALL THIS HOME!

I used to wake up every single day looking forward to this, 

And now, I simply don't like it anymore.

That's sad! Really sad to me.

I used to LOVE this, and now I see that this side of me has clearly moved on. 

It's not like I didn't know I was different now, 

It's really just that today I was actually faced,

full on 

with the truth.

I used to play this part beautifully well and true. 

TO A TEE!

I spoke the part, I felt the part, I dressed the part, 

It was exactly as it should have been,

All in the city flux, all in the city flow. 

The assimilation place was my perfect hiding spot.

No one could find me, not even myself. 

I was tucked away, I could not see or feel, I was safe.

No one had to know! NO one had to realize!

This part of me has passed. 

I can no longer hide. 

The truth has been exposed. 

The channels have opened. 

The countdown has begun.

Ignorance has been removed from the deck of choosing cards.

I am faced with extreme isolation, in a city of 8 million inhabitants. 

I walk into Starbucks and the first thing I see on the screen is 

"I left my heart in San Francisco". 

I feel stalked.

Stalked by the Universe, every day. "

So, I see you've all met my intense side. Pleasure is all mine. haha. 

On that same Satur-day, I got to hang out with a beautiful dear friend of mine Holly. It was so nice, we ate at Pure Food and Wine , we both got Taco Salad's. It was OK, nothing to rave about. The " I Am Festive" at Cafe Gratitude is half the price, and double in taste. We talked and talked and talked, until it got really late. I crashed on my oldest brothers couch that night, and then played with and semi- babysat my nieces the whole morning after. 

That was quite a treat. They are very silly, smart, beautiful little girls. I got to spend a little time with my brother that morning as well, which was nice because frankly, I have no idea who he is, but i'd really like to. He's 15-16 years older then me, and was never there for me or around while I was growing up, so he really has no idea who I am either. 

In case you were wondering- I have two older brothers, I'm the youngest girl in a strict, strict russian immigrant family, and I'm the only girl in my family. Oh, and, as you may have guessed, I'm totally different than the rest of my family; that alone being a recipe for extreme physical and mental anguish, not including the OTHER older brother who, to put it mildly, I have dis- owned from myself a long time ago. I've semi- forgiven him from all the torture he put me through, and even if I ever do fully liberate myself from all that, I don't see myself ever viewing him as a part of my family. I'm not really sure HOW he COULD have any relation to me, at all. More than that though, I'm just not sure how, someone who is supposed to be related to me, someone who is supposed to be my brother, could get such satisfaction out of making it his life's purpose to torture the little girl that only wanted to love him, and be his friend. 

Who knows. Obviously, I chose all of this before I got here, so I am grateful for all the lessons. 

Anyways, getting past screwed up familiar issues- let's get onto later on sunday.

My Oldest brother treated me to some food from the City Bakery- I got some collard greens, some broccoli, some pumpkin type thing, and a vegan cookie :) It was all really delicious. Thank you brother :). 

I took a train back to the Island, and after a couple of hours, I had lunch with an old friend. 

What may have seemed like a simple lunch was really something so much more, so much so that I couldn't explain it, and neither could he, but I felt some shift at that engagement. This friend is one of my lifelong loves, and by that, I realize that I can only mean one thing, probably someone that I've been with for so many lifetimes upon lifetimes. That's the only plausible reason for such intensity with a person. The intensity was there, literally from the moment we met, when I was 13. 

So we're sitting having lunch at this place, and it was incredible. I felt like I was existing in a different world. It was as if time had stopped altogether, and all that existed in that moment was me, and him at the other end of the table. Amazing. We'd both changed so much, and hadn't hung out for maybe 3-4 years. Obviously, the Universe had brought us back into contact with one another at that time for some specific reason or reasons or another. 

Why? Pick a category. Friendship, love, support, connection, all of the above. Whatever it was, it's always all in Divine Timing. 

Everything is. 

I have to get to meditate and bed now, then wake up early for a full day of patients and nutrition!

Next blog, I will talk about this exciting herb seminar I am going to on April 26th. 

All is love. <3

Photos by: Google Images

I like to have a quickie here and there...

Hello readers! How are you today? I'm fine, thanks for asking :) I love candles. And FIRE! And lotus flowers. I have a lot of lotus- flower candle holders. Not any red ones though, but after seeing that picture, I think i'll just have to invest in some :)

I'm a little anxious, but mostly hopeful and excited for tomorrow. Why you ask? Because tomorrow, I'm going to start giving Nutritional Evaluations to patients in a holistic doctor's office! Yeah! I'm super super excited about this hands- on opportunity, and the experience and the knowledge I will gain in how to engage with clients, make them feel comfortable, and how to give my input without over- doing it. Things like that. This is going to be great! I feel like a flower in bloom. The potential to really alter someone's awareness, and help them lead a happier and healthier life is truly a blessing. Time to start dressing like I'm from NYC, not a gypsy hippie anymore! Haha. 

Well. Besides for that- A LOT went on today. Mostly in conversation, and in reflection. I also connected with some old friends, took a beautiful walk in the charming cold NY weather, drank some tea, and I worked on my nutritional evaluation questions sheet, and what I was going to say. So much goes into this! 

My father did a sort of  "Mock" trial with me, and he was hilarious. Really, really funny. He also gave me lots of great advice, which I appreciated. 

I've officially decided once and for all that I'm moving to San Francisco sometime in the middle of April, probably around April 20th, which is nice because my birthday is the 27th, and then I can have a party! Yeah! 

I have another task, but I think i'll do it tomorrow. I'm going to make sort of a "Material Wish List", basically writing down all of the physical things that I really want right now.

OK dears, I'm going to try and get to bed really soon, so off to the shower I hop. Hop hop hop hop hop. 

Speaking of washing- I've started to use this new shampoo from a company called "Terressentials", and it is fantastic! They have a whole line of products, but I haven't really looked into the others yet. So far just their shampoo and hand soap. GREAT company, all organic and fresh. The shampoo is basically clay, with some other vital ingredients. I invite you to check out their website: www.terressentials.com

Who doesn't love 100% Organic and Natural body care?

As you can see, this entry was sort of a quickie, but I'll update you alls on my day tomorrow night. 

LOVE and BLESSINGS . 

To Life! To Life! To Life!

Hello Friends! First of all, I would just love to say thank you so much for all those who have given me  feedback on my blog. I'm so glad that you are enjoying it, and that you are even reading it! If you'd like, please feel free to leave comments on the page. That would actually be kind of nice :) Don't be shy! hehe.

Well, I suppose I should talk about today then. I'm feeling feelings of immense guilt today. IMMENSE guilt. Not just because of one thing in particular, in fact, I'm not really thinking about anything much, just observing. But now that we're talking about thinking, I think I feel guilty because I'm not able to love as much as I want to. I'm not able to generate as much compassion as I want to. I know we should never do this (compare one experience to another), but before, when I was on the West Coast, I felt like I had greater ability in generating this type of energy, and here, I seem to be lacking. Maybe it's the change of environment? Maybe it's the shift in environmental space and energy? I'm not sure, I just feel that I'm not able to show those whom I love how much I really love them. I'm not able to be as happy and energetic as I know I can be. 

Maybe it's simply a matter of wanting to be that way, and then I will be? 

Maybe I'm not wanting it enough, maybe I'm actually enjoying cutting myself off? 

The problem is, I don't want to be the cause of hurt or pain for anyone, although I understand fully well that that is out of my control. We cannot control how people FEEL or REACT to us and our actions. All I can do is try and make sure that I am following the Noble Eightfold Path- and I simply don't feel like I am. (Can you tell I'm a bit hard on myself?)

What is the Noble Eightfold Path?

The Noble 8-fold Path (Ariyo atthangiko maggo):

note: the words in parentheses are the Pali translations

Sila (precepts or morality)

1. Right Speech (Samma Vaca)

2. Right Action (Samma Kammo)

3. Right Livelihood (Samma Ajivo)

Samadhi (concentration)

1. Right Exertion or right effort (Samma Vayamo)

2. Right Awareness (Samma Sati)

3. Right Concentration (Samma Samadhi)

Panna (wisdom or insight)

1. Right Aspiration/ Thought (Samma Sankappo)

2. Right Understanding (Samma Ditthi)

Right, right right. Right, right right right right. 

ha, that was fun. 

I guess, I'm also just feeling like, I was BLESSED with SO MANY GIFTS, and I'm not doing my part to benefit the world with them, because I don't know how! And this frustrates me deeply. I wish that I could just find a way to become more helpful, more beneficial, I wish the universe would guide me in the direction that I need to go.

Or maybe it has? And I'm just constantly second- guessing my intuition, and falling prey to those around me telling me that I have a couple of screws loose, and I can't trust the " Universe" to provide it all? Has the cattle eaten my little tree?

Ah. The things that go on in my head. I told you i'd be explicitly honest! It's a good thing these are all so fleeting and impermanent. My goodness, I mean, there are SO MANY THINGS to be grateful for !!!! Every morning, when I wake up, I take 15 minutes for G-d , prayer, and meditation. This meditation is aside from the 1 hr in the morning, 1 hr in the evening, of course ;). I thank the Divine that I am blessed with a roof over my head, a beautiful bed to sleep in, warm comfy sheets, food to eat (or juice! haha), a juicer to JUICE that food, a house, everything! I am ALWAYS provided for, always! Not just with material things, but with LOVE, with blessings, with earth, soil, sunshine, air to breath, a healthy body (fully intact), an inquiring mind, meditation, anything and everything!

In fact, I would just love to take a moment here and thank, genuinely, all those who provided for me in the past 7 months of my travels. My parents, whose patience and financial support made it possible. ALL the beautiful beings who generously let me into their homes, and all those who offered me a place to stay when I needed it. So many "strangers" assisted in getting me to where I needed to go. So many new friends and faces along the way. SO many un-paralleled and valuable lessons! 

I am never, ever, without friends, family, shelter, food, anything. I am a blessed, blessed girl, and I know that the Angels, G-d, and the Universe are always taking perfect care of ME, and YOU! The Universe is taking care of every-single-one-of-us. 

No exceptions. No take backs.

The trouble, i've come to realize from personal experience and observation, is; we have this pre-determined of what we "need" or what is "right for us", so when we ask for something, and what we get is not what we expected, we get mad! We get so frustrated, and curse the world for putting us through this misery! But if we just trusted in Divine timing and that everything is inevitable, everything that is meant for us is coming in perfect timing, then we might ease up a little bit. 

This is, undoubtedly, something that I'm working through. 

I want everything NOW! Right NOW! I'm ready Universe, SOCK IT TO ME! 

I often forget I need patience. I need to go through certain experiences first before my full and true purpose may be revealed to me. 

There is NO such thing as coincidence. 

All my friends, and all the people I meet, tell me that I'm "19 going on 85", and I need to slow down. That's because they know me. They tell me that everything i've been through, and everything i've accomplished at such a young age is fascinating, remarkable, and they admire my knowing what I know, and doing what I do a. My family tends to tell me the opposite; that I'm completely wasting my life, wasting my talent, my mind, and everything I'm doing is utterly and un-mistakably wrong.

As you might imagine, this totally screws with my head. 

The thing is, I'm SO OLD. I've been through lifetimes and lifetimes upon lifetimes of this already, doing so many things, that my spirit just wants to get the "Lesson" stuff over with already, and get  A 'CRACKIN. 

Ah, ah, ah, ahaha life. I love it. Every second of it. I'm really grateful to have the opportunity to even muse over such things! 7 months ago, I wouldn't even know what I was talking about right now, ha! I'd think I was talking alien, or on some sort of acid trip. I wouldn't be too far off! What a trip! Oh, Dhamma. Oh, Universe. 

Oh, LIFE! 

^^HAHA. Get it?

SO- today is Day 5 of Juice Fast time. 

All in all it's been pretty good. I still have not done enema's *curses at self*. I fully understand how beneficial they are, really! It's just...gahhhh. You know? And, my stomach hurts a little bit. Well, not so much hurts as it feels uncomfortable, like there's something lodged into it.

So, as for my day, I spent the majority of it at the Port Washington (Long Island) Public Library, editing a book. It's a really fantastic book, I'm learning so much. I'm actually super grateful to be editing this book, because if I wasn't, I definitely would not have made the time to read it. The book is going to be sold online as an E-Book. It's all about nutrition, health, vitamins, minerals, and everything you ever wanted to know about it. I'll post a link to it when it's done- I highly recommend EVERYONE read it. 

Even the Raw/Vegan foodies! It's not a totally veg- friendly book. The author ( a doctor practicing for over 20 years) believes that animal products are absolutely essential for good health, but don't let that turn you off. If you never get the other side of the story, how are you ever going to fully educate yourself? Also, I do believe that unlike most animal- product believers, he remains conscious of those who are vegetarian, and gives vegetarian alternatives to almost everything. Ah- NIICE!

Aside from the non Veg-friendly part, the book is amazing. It is written in extremely simple terms, so that any average person will be able to understand. Kind of like the NY subway map. It's really intimidating at first, but then you realize "wow this was made so that, literally, a 5 year old could get their way around" and then all of a sudden you see what a piece of cake it is. 

The book is in Question- Answer form, and when reading, the feeling is that you're sitting right there in his office, as a patient, asking complicated questions with extremely easy- to understand answers. I think this is what makes the book truly remarkable; this BEYOND intelligent Doctor, took the time and effort to make sure he broke down every single complicated issue, and transformed it into something that everyone, no matter who you are, will be able to relate to. 

On a TOTAL side- note, I'm listening to Imogen Heap- Speak For Yourself, and WOW, the memories. Wow, wow. I used to listen to this every day when I was living in NYC. Time line, around Feb '08- Aug'08.

<---

(old life, apartment, friends picture) My goodness how things change. 

OK lovers- please enjoy your night. It's time for this little princess to get her rest. 

Thank you again for reading, I truly am touched by all of you, and I hope you feel the same.

in HEALTH, CONSCIOUSNESS, HONESTY, LOVE. 

Photo's by: Google Images

A tiny trip into my head..

....I really enjoy ....watching avocado's ripen. Even more than that, I thoroughly enjoy eating them after they have ripened. hehe. :)

Speaking of FOOD....Today is Day 4 of my Green Juice Fast. Today is the first day that i've had any juice though. The first two days I had water, yesterday was lemonade (lemon juice, water, stevia) , and today was about 9 oz. of Juice, than the rest of the day was lemon water, tea, and plain water. I did, however, make myself a special little elixir earlier , consisting of;

• pomegranate juice 
  
• bee pollen 
  
• lemonade
• natural mineral water. 

It was sooooooooooo delicious!

I find that this is a typical pattern for me when fasting- Not really wanting juice for the first 4-5 days. I'm curious as to why. Hmm. I haven't been doing enema's, which some believe are essential on a fast, but I have to be honest, I just really dislike doing enema's. They are typically the last thing i'd ever choose to do.

Anyways. So I just came out of a beautiful Candle- Lit bath that I drew for myself, and it was wonderfully pleasant. About 3 weeks ago, my friend Jenna told me that I have no excuse not to take a bath every single day. Well, so far i've taken two. Ha! They were really nice. I'm not going to say baths are not relaxing, they are, but for some reason they make me feel sort of stuck and anxious. Maybe it's because I drowned once. Who knows. 

A bunch of things came up for me today during my bath- 

• a) I realized more than ever how much I need to move on and out, and start my own life
  
• b) A lot of feelings came up about someone whom I was recently in a relationship with, and those feelings were of hurt, anger, betrayal, isolation. 
  
• c) I enjoy helping others more than I enjoy helping myself. This is very twisted. 
  
• d) I really like the new TV show "Lie To Me" and would love to learn how to detect people's emotions, merely based on facial expression and body language. 

Isn't it amazing how we think of things when we're taking a bath/ shower/ going to the bathroom/ washing up for bed? 

One (of many) good thing about Vipassana is; it teaches us to observe our feelings as they come up, not to suppress them in any way, and remain equanimous with them. Meaning: we learn how to maintain the balance of our minds. Rather than generating passion, clinging and craving, or having aversion, we are taught to simply observe the reality as it is, and remain equanimous. 

I get a lot of mixed feelings about this person, but lately i've just been feeling a LOT of anger, resentment, and hurt. It's really wonderful to be able to just observe feelings, and remain pretty much un- reactive to them. Of course, this may not always be the case. Anicca, Anicca, as I always say! Anicca is the Pali word for

Impermanence. We are all living in the world of Impermanence, it is the Universal Law of Nature! Every second, everything is changing! The seasons, our mood, the light, our vision, everything. Even our bodies are impermanent, eventually, our spirits will move on, and these bodies will stay here and get dug into the ground or burnt into ashes.

Oh boy, I really want to got back to CVC, and I really want to serve a course then sit a course. It's so nice in either order, but I think I like that one better. For me, going with a friend or a loved one made the experience that much more amazing. 

Today has been a pretty rough day emotionally. Staying here at my parents house, even for a short while, has really brought back a LOT of baggage. I knew it would be hard, but it's actually harder than I thought it would be. I don't feel like I can be myself here, and I don't feel that i've been doing my best in remaining equanimous with the situation at hand. I feel that I'm reacting too much to my parents, and I'm not putting enough effort in generating as much love and compassion as I can. Again though, Anicca Anicca! It's a long long path, and I know one day i'll learn how to seperate myself. This is one of the driving factors of me moving on and out- starting my own life and making my own money, that way I can follow my own rules under my own conditions. 

Ah, well. Everything is going to work out, I know it will.
I'm going to go now, but before I do, i'd like to leave you all with a quote, something that i'm

 not sure I fully understand, but it's something to wrap our heads around:

The Universe 
"A man said to the universe:

"Sir, I exist!"

"However," replied the universe, 

The fact has not created in me 

A sense of obligation."

-Stephen Crane

The universe doesn't give us an engraved invitation to participate in life. And just showing up to the party doesn't guarantee us a good time. The universe responds to our actions. We get out of it what we put into it.

-Lissa Coffey

Photos from: Google Images

7 months in a nutshell....

Wow. I have SO much to say, I don't even know where to start! It's pretty overwhelming. I wish I had made a blog before, that way I could have just kept updating as I went along, but AH WELL, wish smish !! All in divine timing.

Well, I guess I should start at the beginning then huh?

7 months ago, I left my life, my friends, and my family in NYC to go do an apprenticeship program at the Tree of Life Rejuvenation Center. OH wow, did that change my life. More on the Tree later.

Towards the end of my apprenticeship program, I was under a lot of pressure because I didn't know what I was going to do, where I was going to go, etc., etc. My parents were really pressuring me to get a job already, and start making money. I applied for a job at the Tree, and I was SURE that I was going to get it, but then it turned out I wasn't accepted, which really put me in an uncomfortable/ freaking out position. Not for myself, really, I would have been fine one way or another, but I knew that I was " expected to" settle down somewhere already.

Ah, how Universe, and Divine planning works !! My beautiful soul mate- sister Esther asked me if I would love to go to the California Vipassana Center with her, and sit a 10- day course. I immediately accepted! Oh, the irony. It's crippling. She spoke to me about Vipassana in the beginning of our meeting, and I told her, WITH conviction, that she was CRAZY for doing something like that- I would never be able to! Nor would I want to! However, by the end of 2 1/2 months living,working, and studying at the Tree, I was ready. 

I didn't know anything about this "Vipassana" thing except for two details a) Total and complete silence and b) 14- hour a day meditation. Sign-Me-Up ! 

All my life, I’ve basically lived alone. Even when I started going to college, I had an apartment, and lived alone. The only exception was when I moved into my second apartment and started living with a roommate, but still. I've never really had to share a room, a computer, a bathroom, anything at all. Needless to say, when I got to the Tree of Life, I was totally out of my element (which I knew I would be before I got there). Let’s not forget that I was a bonafied city chick, who threw herself into the hot hot dessert land! This was the first time I’d ever experienced community living, and WOW, does community living change a person! Basically, I was very ready for some quiet. 

Uh oh, one problem though, I’m totally broke! I can’t afford a 10- day course on meditation, no way. Oh boy was I in for a surprise, it’s free! There are no charges for the courses - not even to cover the cost of food and accommodation. All expenses are met by donations from people who, having completed at least one 10- day course course and experienced the benefits of Vipassana, wish to give others the opportunity to benefit as well. In other words, Vipassana is totally run by “ Dana”- The Pali word for the practice of generosity and charity. Pali is the original language of the Buddha.

So- What is Vipassana? Great question. Before I get into it, I would encourage you to go on the Official Vipassana website

Dhamma.org

All of your questions will be answered there.

“Vipassana is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. Long lost to humanity, it was rediscovered by Gotama the Buddha more than 2500 years ago. The word Vipassana means seeing things as they really are. It is the process of self- purification by self-observation. One begins by observing the natural breath to concentrate the mind. With a sharpened awareness one proceeds to observe the changing nature of body and mind and experiences the universal truths of impermanence, suffering and egoless ness. This truth-realization by direct experience is the process of purification. The entire path (Dhamma) is a universal remedy for universal problems and has nothing to do with any organized religion or sectarianism. For this reason, it can be freely practiced by everyone, at any time, in any place, without conflict due to race, community or religion, and will prove equally beneficial to one and all.

What Vipassana is not:

• It is not a rite or ritual based on blind faith.

• It is neither an intellectual nor a philosophical entertainment.

• It is not a rest cure, a holiday, or an opportunity for socializing.

• It is not an escape from the trials and tribulations of everyday life.

What Vipassana is:

• It is a technique that will eradicate suffering.

• It is a method of mental purification, which allows one to face life's tensions and problems in a calm, balanced way.

• It is an art of living that one can use to make positive contributions to society.

Vipassana meditation aims at the highest spiritual goals of total liberation and full enlightenment. Its purpose is never simply to cure physical disease. However, as a by-product of mental purification, many psychosomatic diseases are eradicated. In fact, Vipassana eliminates the three causes of all unhappiness: craving, aversion and ignorance. With continued practice, the meditation releases the tensions developed in everyday life, opening the knots tied by the old habit of reacting in an unbalanced way to pleasant and unpleasant situations.

Although Vipassana was developed as a technique by the Buddha, its practice is not limited to Buddhists. There is absolutely no question of conversion. The technique works on the simple basis that all human beings share the same problems and a technique which can eradicate these problems will have a universal application. People from many religious denominations have experienced the benefits of Vipassana meditation, and have found no conflict with their profession of faith.”

Vipassana has completely and truly changed my life forever. It has taught me to be a more understanding, kind, compassionate, and loving person. I now realize how much misery I and the people around me are in, and here is this technique that screams, “ Here is the cure! Here is the medicine for your mind! Come and practice me for free!”

AGAIN- all of this information and more can be found on the Vipassana website- Dhamma.Org. I could write about Vipassana forever, and I will in future posts, but i'd like to move along now. 

SO- back the my journey;
After graduating from my apprenticeship program and becoming a Spiritual Live Food Instructor, I spent 4 days of minor solitude with Esther in LA. (Thank you Cy!) We did this in order to preserve the space of minimal stimulation that we had become accustomed to after being at the Tree. So, after those four days, we got a ride to the California Vipassana Center (CVC) in North Fork, CA and I sat my first 10- Day Silent Vipassana Meditation course (check out the center here; www.mahavana.dhamma.org)
The course was from October 15th- October 26th, and then I stayed on to serve the next 10- day course after mine. Serving a course is the ultimate form of Dana- giving 10 days of your life in order to accommodate others, ensuring that they are able to meditate in peace and comfort as you did. From November 12th- November 23rd, I sat my second 10- day course. Following that course, I served a 3- day course that took place on November 26th – November 30th. These 3- day courses are quite unique, and are made for old students who are not in a position to take out 10 days of their life, but choose to brush up on their practice. 

When that course was over, I went back to LA (thanks cy!) in order to explore, see friends, fast, but most importantly to take all the teachings from that past month and a half, and integrate them into the “real world”. I stayed for about two weeks, then went back to CVC in order to serve the Satipatthana Sutta, which is a special course only for old students who have sat at least 3 courses, and been practicing for at least one year. 

I had planned to serve that whole course, but I SOMEHOW got accepted to sit a course that is impossible to get into- The Christmas course in Occidental. I left CVC on December 19tth with my beautiful friend and fellow meditator 

<----Jenna, and we stayed the night in Fresno (Thanks Oahn, Dam, Samson!). The next day, someone came to pick us up and take us to Occidental.  Ah, the amazing works of rideshare and Dhamma! Dhamma and the Universe paved every single pathway for me to sit that course! It was totally amazing and I felt sooo grateful. 

December 20th- Dec 31st, I sat my third 10- day course. Yes, you counted right, that’s 3 courses within a 2 ½ month period, I know, I’m crazy! I came, I stayed, and I never left! Haha. Normally, people sit one course, once a year. 

That 3rd course was the hardest thing I’ve ever worked on in my whole life. I woke up at 4am and was in the meditation hall 7 out of 10 days. I was in complete isolation from beginning to end, and dove deep within myself. I wasn’t even aware that such depth existed , or that I had the ability to ascend to such a level. The funny part is, I know i've only just scratched the surface. Un- expectedly, that was also the easiest meditation to come out of. Usually I am super nervous and it’s extremely overwhelming and difficult, but this time it was really rather fluid. Apparently, transitioning becomes easier the more courses you sit. Good to know. 

OK so, getting closer to the present now.

On December 31st, a bunch of Dhamma Lovers (this is how I refer to the “family” of meditators that I have become very close with) and I went to stay at a co-op in Berkeley called Lothlorien. One of the meditators in this group went to UC Berkeley, and stayed there his senior year. 

This was the first time I had come out of a meditation and went straight out into the “real world”; in the past I had stayed at CVC afterward to serve the course preceding mine. Um, let me just say, it was intense. Really, really intense. Especially because there were lots of people, lots of drama, and I was basically a big, sore, open- wound. Luckily, I reaped a lot of benefits from my Vipassana journey, and really dealt with everything pretty well. Loth is a clothing optional co-op, and being the extremely insecure and self- conscious person that I am, I told my friends there is no way I am getting naked in front of people.

UH, WRONG! Staying at Loth broke down so many walls for me. I took a lot of risks and broke all of my envelopes. One of the main things I learned is; there is nothing weird or sexual about the naked body, it’s just natural! I also learned how to talk about a lot of things that were coming up for me with certain friends- I learned how to communicate openly with objectivity. 

After spending 2 weeks at Loth, I sat a one- day Vipassana course in San Francisco with one of my friends, and then after that, we moved into his parents’ house, also in Berkeley. This was a very great experience in some ways, and in other ways extremely traumatizing.

After staying there for a little under a month, the sh*t hit the fan, and I had to get out of there. My great friend from San Francisco (who I met at my 3rd course in Occidental!) saved me, and invited me to stay with her for as long as I needed. San Francisco was beautiful and I had a great time there, I have a feeling I’ll be back very soon. 

On Feb 12th I went to LA (thanks again Cy!haha) to pick up my stuff and then shortly after, flew back here- Back east to NYC!

WHEW- now, we are more or less caught up to the present. I will love to post more about how I am transitioning and on what I have learned, but right now I must go meditate! I’m still not accustomed to East Coast time, so it’s 1:07am and I’m only now heading to bed. NOT GOOD NOT GOOD!

Anyways- I love you all! If you have any questions or comments, question or comment away.