Poem- ish....

A literary journal called Xanadu needed some contributions... so I decided oh, what the hell, i'll contribute. Now, I'm certainly no poet, i've never really been known to sit down and start writing poetry, yet i've always been able to express myself very clearly and creatively through word. 

I decided to take one of my journal entries and turn it into a poem- ish type thing. I actually posted this entry on this very blog, several months ago. I named that blog entry " Trueality"....so I decided to name the poem that. 

This is still a first draft soo....let me know what you think please :) 

This piece is dedicated to Gautama the Buddha, and to Goenkaji, my teacher in Vipassana. 

TRUEALITY-

I'm doing better than I thought I would be. It's really intense for me though- so many people, the aggression, the dis-association, the un-natural conduction of it all.

So much noise. Crowded people. All this Pollution.

I went into my favorite store in Union Square, I remember how I used to LOVE it there. It was a safe space. Today as I traveled through the isles, I observed my body (my head, chest, and hands in particular) fill with sensations of panic.

Anxiety. Much too much. Overwhelmed. Sensory Overload.

In this situation, I would have normally had a panic attack. Thankfully, I’ve been meditating for some time now, and have developed the ability to instruct my mind in observing sensation, much like a doctor would. A doctor does not attach himself or react to the pain his patient feels. The technique of self- observation shows us the inner truth.

Breathe in, Breathe out. Everything is vibration. We are all energy. Observe.

My averse reactions to certain conditions were disappointing, sure, but what really got to me was how much I disliked this city altogether, as a whole.

Free spiritual transmission. A way of life. A vector beyond life itself.

I USED TO CALL THIS HOME!
I used to wake up every single day looking forward to this,
And now, I simply don't like it anymore?
That's sad! Really sad to me.
I used to LOVE this, and now I see that this side of me has clearly moved on.

The experience of impermanence. Nothing can be kept. Raindrops ascend.

It's not as if I didn't know I had changed,
It's that today I was faced,
Full on
With the ultimate truth.

Let go! Allow for transformation. This too shall pass.

I used to play this part so beautifully, well and true.
TO A T!
I spoke the part, I felt the part, I dressed the part,
It was exactly as it should have been,
All in the stereo flux, all in the city flow.

Growth. This is what drives the world mad. River of life.

The assimilation place was my perfect hiding spot.
No one could find me, not even myself.
I was tucked away, I could not see or feel, I was safe.
No one had to know! No one had to realize!

Sleeping volcano of suppression. Escape is no solution. Observe.

This part of me has passed,
I no longer have the option to hide.
The truth has been exposed,
The channels have opened,
The countdown has begun.

Know thyself. Train in equanimity. Observe the reality inside.

Ignorance has been removed from the deck of choosing cards.
I am faced with extreme isolation, in a city of 8 million inhabitants.

Wisdom arises. The atmosphere becomes permeated with peace. These are the inevitable steps.

I walk into a room, where the first thing I see on a screen is
"I left my heart in San Francisco".
I feel stalked.
Stalked by the Universe, every day.

We are all travelers on the path. We are the reflections of each other. Keep the torch of life alight! Reveal your inner truth.

THE END.

Photo by: Google Images

Once upon a time....

My very pretty german friend, who currently lives in berkeley came to visit me in NY on March 20th.

This was pretty cool, because I've never had anyone come visit me from anywhere before. 

The first night he was here, went to Angelica kitchen, where the food was kind of eh. I honestly wouldn't recommend it. Nothing was exceptional or fascinating, and I found the dishes to be almost tasteless. There were no surprises, my mouth did not go on any rides. My tongue was bored. 

The next day we went to the American Museum of Natural History! That was way cool. It is SOOO IMMENSE! I felt like we saw sooo much, and yet not nearly enough. 

There were some special attractions going on that day, and we saw all of them. They weree...

• The Planetarium Show- Cosmic Collisions
• The Butterfly Conservatory
• Wild Ocean- (movie)
• Dinosaurs Alive- (movie)

I LOVE museums! Especially planetariums. Those are by far my favorite. When I was in San Francisco, I went to the Academy of Science, and their planetarium was simply amazing. It it presented in a dome, and everything felt so realistic to me. I remember being in there with my friend Jenna, just freaking out haha. We got "Shushed" a couple of times.

I cannot fathom how much time, work, research, and MONEY goes into making those things! Museums in general...wow. Every time I go to a museum, I have to wonder if I ever made the right decision not going into Anthropologie. When I was younger...all I ever wanted to do was travel to far away countries, get dirty, dig in dirt, and discover things like fossils, or plant trees, or pet dolphins. Haha! Everyone told me it was unrealistic...I suppose I forgot about that dream after a while. That whole lifestyle still appears to me so much though. I love an adventure, especially if it involves other countries. Ah well, I guess it's too late to be thinking of that now. 

So anyways....afterward, we went to a restaurant called "Raw Soul". To be honest, it really didn't impress me. Perhaps it was just the dish I got, yet I cannot conclude it was a coincidence that every single thing that was ordered happened to have sucked all around. To make it worse, I believe the food there made me tummy ill for a while afterward. 

I ordered their "Soul Bowl", which consists of three sides of your choice, and saurkraut. The three sides I chose were; 

• Nut Meat, 
• Jicama Sticks, and t
• The Au- something or other, I can't remember the name. It was basically just raw veggies heavily drowned in this sauce which smelled like cheese...and it tasted pretty OK at first, but eventually made me feel kind of sick. 

I really didn't like the Jicama sticks, so I sent them back. I also ordered their "Chocolate Heaven" Smoothie....and it was honestly just not very good. Not good at all. Christoph (that's his name, how german!) ordered the sample plate.... I have to admit, it wasn't so bad, it just didn't impress me by any means. 

I have yet to go into a restaurant and taste a smoothie that tastes better than something I have made. Seriously! I am always SO disappointed when I go into a raw/ vegan restaurant, and order a smoothie. When I order a smoothie, I except a good smoothie, damnit! But they almost always taste like crap. These restaurants are serving REALLY poor excuses for smoothies/ milkshakes. I'm deeply sorry to say, but it is true.

Smoothies are kind of my thing. I thoroughly enjoy making them, and they always turn out really yumm. So maybe I'm harsh, maybe I expect more, and I offer no apologies. When a restaurant is charging me anywhere from 8-10 dollars for a smoothie, I imagine it better be WAY more exquisite than mine. So far, no luck, as they never are. 

 

So we were both pretty exhausted the next day, we hadn't been getting much sleep, and the city can be really exhausting when you're not used to being there everyday anymore. We ended up just staying in at my house....did stuff, and watched movies. It was nice. I thoroughly enjoy just chilling out, being that I'm a grandma and whatnot. ----^^^^^ 

I took some videos of the conservatory of BUTTERFLIES on my blackberry. In the video, as you may notice, I accidentally call it the " Conservatory of Flowers" because one time, this very same 

GERMAN friend

and I went to the Conservatory of Flowers in San Francisco, and that got me all messed up. Hey, at least I didn't call it the conservatory of Acting. 

Video quality of the phone isn't that great, obviously, but try focussing your attention attention, and you might be able to see the hundreds of butterflies flying around. It was amazing! 

Enjoy :) 

PS- I thought it might be useful to mention that my german friend, is extremely anti- german everything, and is opposite of fond of his mother country. Therefore, I found it only appropriate to germanize this blog as much as I could, in his honour :) 

PPS- In case anyone is confused by the videos....I call him " Cheky" because when I first met him, I couldn't remember his name for the life of me, no matter how often he told me. Therefore, I concluded that " Christoph" sounds an awful lot like " Chekov" and just started calling him that instead. Chekov turned into "Cheky" which turned into "Chek Chek".... you get the point.

PPPS- To be perfectly honest though, the very first time I met my friend Christoph here, I was completely naked in the basement of the clothing optional housing co-op I was staying at.....doing laundry. Now that's a story to tell the grandkids. 

CHRISTOPH <3

MOTHERLAND

Butterflies TAKE 1

Butterflies TAKE 2

Photos by: Google Images

It's Back!!!!! Chyeah...

HELLO MY DARLING DEAR LOVELY FRIENDS! 

TODAYS THEME IS EMPOWERMENT!

Art by Alex Grey: Empowerment

FIRST OFF THOUGH- sorry for falling off the face of the planet. Really, really sorry. I know that many of you were really enjoying and following my blog.

*THAT BEING SAID, I hope it doesn't happen again, but I can't promise to update every day. I realize that what happened was... I had set up these un- realistic expectations for myself. I started this blog just for fun, and then all of a sudden I started getting anxiety and feeling pressure to write everyday, which just made me not want to write at all. That's basically the same thing that happened with my youtube page. 

BELIEVE YOU ME, I know how crazy this sounds. It's one of the many, many un-beneficial, un-productive, and self- deprecating habit patterns that I have developed as a result of the environment I was raised in. 

I am working very hard on myself, as I have recently become SO AWARE of how many self- destructive habit patterns I possess, and HOW FIXABLE they are with hard work, meditation, and even counseling. 

STORY TIME...  

   

I remember when I was sitting my third Vipassana course in Occidental, CA, I had this great big revelation, something had become SO clear to me. Perhaps I should first explain that my third Vipassana sit was just about the hardest thing I ever worked on in my whole life. I literally put my ALL into it. I woke up almost every day at 4 am, and in the mediation hall by 4:30, following the 14- hour a day meditation schedule to a perfect T. I was almost completely un- aware of anyone else for the whole 10- days. I had dove SO deep inside myself, it was extraordinary. I've never experienced anything like it. At one point, I literally felt the world stop. I had felt a door open, and I saw/ felt myself dive into this door, into a plane of such SUBTLE  yet extraordinary deepness. 

So anyway, somewhere around day 5 or 6 of this, in the middle of a deep, deep meditation, I went on a journey through my brain, my mind, the storage box of all things ME. I traveled layer through layer, until I got right to the very layer that came first and spoke most prominently to my sub- conscious. All at once, I realized that layer consisted of; 

"I will never be good enough. Nothing I will ever do is going to be good enough."

END SEMI- DEPRESSIVE STORY.

I began to cry because I realized; How true. Not true that I'm not good enough, but true that this simple concept has governed my life for as long as I can remember. No matter what I do, there it is, that ever- prominent layer, that slight whisper, taunting me, "I will NEVER be good enough. Nothing I will ever do is ever do is going to be good enough. "

Then why even try, right? 

HA! SCREW THAT. Honestly. 

I am SO sick of it, and SO ready to let go of dysfunctional patterns of living. 

I PLEDGE, RIGHT HERE AND NOW, TO BEGIN TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THOSE THINGS WHICH I COULD NOT CONTROL! Care to join me?

So maybe my up- bringing and the way I was raised paved the way in my developing certain negative qualities, but you know what? It's freeking UP TO ME to become whoever I want to be. YEAH!

I WILL recover, and I WILL learn to break through. That's it. 

A friend of mine told me a few months back that I am the victim of "Co- Dependance", and she knew, because she suffered from the same thing. 

It never even occurred to me to look up co- dependance, or find out what it is that I allegedly am. Probably because I am really averse to being told "what I am", or defined in any way. 

SO anyway, I started googling just now, and I stumbled upon this website. Well, as it turns out, my friend was right on the knob. 

Here is an expert from the site:

"Why do we become codependent? What causes it?

It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.

General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:

• It’s not okay to talk about problems
• Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
• Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
• Be strong, good, right, perfect
• Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
• Don’t be selfish
• Do as I say not as I do
• It’s not okay to play or be playful
• Don’t rock the boat.

Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life."

Check out the whole site here: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

DUDE. Talk about reality check. Anyway, like I said, THE GOOD PART IS; all of the stupid shit we went through in our lives, all the programming we have endured, and all of the habit patterns we have developed as a result of it, CAN BE REVERSED! 

As humans, we are blessed with the right of CHOICE! 

Now, I don't know about you, but..... 

I CHOOSE to LOVE, HELP, and EMPOWER MYSELF!

I CHOOSE to EDUCATE myself with the TOOLS I NEED to EXCELL!

Anyways. I realize that my blog entires are wayy too long. From now on, I am going to set an intention to make shorter entries, and post more frequently. I just have so much to say! Hehe. I will end this entry here, even though I want to write about SO MANY THINGS, so i'll either write about them tomorrow and give you time to digest this entry.... or make another post today. 

Eh, I think I will end it here, and write about the other things tomorrow. 

LOVE YOURSELF! We are all we've got. Let's try and make the very best we can of it. 

Have a beautiful night, and remember to think of something you are grateful for today :)

PS- I have slowly been integrating back into the world of pop- culture, and I am listening to old school "All American Rejects" - their album from 2005, Move Along. SO GOOD! DEF THEIR BEST OUT OF THREE.

PPS- I WOULD SO APPRECIATE ANY FEEDBACK YOU HAVE TO GIVE! 

PPPS- How super cute are these summery nail colors?

Photos by: Google Images

...except for the ones that I took on photobooth. Obviously.

<3