HELLO MY DARLING DEAR LOVELY FRIENDS!
TODAYS THEME IS EMPOWERMENT!
Art by Alex Grey: Empowerment
FIRST OFF THOUGH- sorry for falling off the face of the planet. Really, really sorry. I know that many of you were really enjoying and following my blog.
*THAT BEING SAID, I hope it doesn't happen again, but I can't promise to update every day. I realize that what happened was... I had set up these un- realistic expectations for myself. I started this blog just for fun, and then all of a sudden I started getting anxiety and feeling pressure to write everyday, which just made me not want to write at all. That's basically the same thing that happened with my youtube page.
BELIEVE YOU ME, I know how crazy this sounds. It's one of the many, many un-beneficial, un-productive, and self- deprecating habit patterns that I have developed as a result of the environment I was raised in.
I am working very hard on myself, as I have recently become SO AWARE of how many self- destructive habit patterns I possess, and HOW FIXABLE they are with hard work, meditation, and even counseling.
STORY TIME...
I remember when I was sitting my third Vipassana course in Occidental, CA, I had this great big revelation, something had become SO clear to me. Perhaps I should first explain that my third Vipassana sit was just about the hardest thing I ever worked on in my whole life. I literally put my ALL into it. I woke up almost every day at 4 am, and in the mediation hall by 4:30, following the 14- hour a day meditation schedule to a perfect T. I was almost completely un- aware of anyone else for the whole 10- days. I had dove SO deep inside myself, it was extraordinary. I've never experienced anything like it. At one point, I literally felt the world stop. I had felt a door open, and I saw/ felt myself dive into this door, into a plane of such SUBTLE yet extraordinary deepness.
So anyway, somewhere around day 5 or 6 of this, in the middle of a deep, deep meditation, I went on a journey through my brain, my mind, the storage box of all things ME. I traveled layer through layer, until I got right to the very layer that came first and spoke most prominently to my sub- conscious. All at once, I realized that layer consisted of;
"I will never be good enough. Nothing I will ever do is going to be good enough."
END SEMI- DEPRESSIVE STORY.
I began to cry because I realized; How true. Not true that I'm not good enough, but true that this simple concept has governed my life for as long as I can remember. No matter what I do, there it is, that ever- prominent layer, that slight whisper, taunting me, "I will NEVER be good enough. Nothing I will ever do is ever do is going to be good enough. "
Then why even try, right?
HA! SCREW THAT. Honestly.
I am SO sick of it, and SO ready to let go of dysfunctional patterns of living.
I PLEDGE, RIGHT HERE AND NOW, TO BEGIN TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THOSE THINGS WHICH I COULD NOT CONTROL! Care to join me?
So maybe my up- bringing and the way I was raised paved the way in my developing certain negative qualities, but you know what? It's freeking UP TO ME to become whoever I want to be. YEAH!
I WILL recover, and I WILL learn to break through. That's it.
A friend of mine told me a few months back that I am the victim of "Co- Dependance", and she knew, because she suffered from the same thing.
It never even occurred to me to look up co- dependance, or find out what it is that I allegedly am. Probably because I am really averse to being told "what I am", or defined in any way.
SO anyway, I started googling just now, and I stumbled upon this website. Well, as it turns out, my friend was right on the knob.
Here is an expert from the site:
"Why do we become codependent? What causes it?
It’s widely believed we become codependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other secret or problem.
General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:
Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behavior characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life."
Check out the whole site here: http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm
DUDE. Talk about reality check. Anyway, like I said, THE GOOD PART IS; all of the stupid shit we went through in our lives, all the programming we have endured, and all of the habit patterns we have developed as a result of it, CAN BE REVERSED!
As humans, we are blessed with the right of CHOICE!
Now, I don't know about you, but.....
I CHOOSE to LOVE, HELP, and EMPOWER MYSELF!
I CHOOSE to EDUCATE myself with the TOOLS I NEED to EXCELL!
Anyways. I realize that my blog entires are wayy too long. From now on, I am going to set an intention to make shorter entries, and post more frequently. I just have so much to say! Hehe. I will end this entry here, even though I want to write about SO MANY THINGS, so i'll either write about them tomorrow and give you time to digest this entry.... or make another post today.
Eh, I think I will end it here, and write about the other things tomorrow.
LOVE YOURSELF! We are all we've got. Let's try and make the very best we can of it.
Have a beautiful night, and remember to think of something you are grateful for today :)
PS- I have slowly been integrating back into the world of pop- culture, and I am listening to old school "All American Rejects" - their album from 2005, Move Along. SO GOOD! DEF THEIR BEST OUT OF THREE.
PPS- I WOULD SO APPRECIATE ANY FEEDBACK YOU HAVE TO GIVE!
PPPS- How super cute are these summery nail colors?
Photos by: Google Images
...except for the ones that I took on photobooth. Obviously.
<3
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